Billie's Musings

That's where I am mostly these days. :) I keep telling myself that I'm going to resurrect this LJ at some point, but it just keeps not happening.

Anyhow... Yes. Feel free to facebook me instead, if you'd like!

y halo thar!

Well, it's time for me to write one of those journal entries that I had hoped I would never need to write again. This is the quickest way to get word to most of my friends. Some of you know this, but I think that most don't...

I have Systemic Lupus. I've nearly died twice in the last 13 years due to it. I'd been doing really well since about 2002 or so. But recently, within the last 6 months, myself and my family have observed an alarmingly rapid decline in my health. I haven't had medical insurance in nearly a year and a half, so I've not been able to recieve the treatments needed to keep me well.

I've not wanted to admit it. I have this problem of not wanting to be sick, of trying to forget that I am, and just be a normal, healthy, 27-year-old woman. I live in a pretty hardcore denial about my illness, combined with chronic Depression problems largely associated with the excessive weight gain I've experienced because of my medications over the last 13 years.

But all that aside, without medical coverage, there's been little that I could do about it anyhow. My mother looked me square in the eye this weekend and said "I can see your body dying." And all I could do was look back at her and say, "...I know."

So. I had to make the hard decision on Friday. For the second time in my adult life, I am having to give up my independance and move back home because I'm sick. I'm finishing out my last two weeks at work, then my family is coming up to help me pack and move.

I don't intend to stay with them long. They are going to help me get into state programs (they live in my hometown, which is in South Carolina) to cover medical bills so that I can get back into treatment before it's too late this time, as well as help me out of the really horrible financial situation I've put myself in by being too lenient with a roommate who hasn't been able to pay her share of bills in months, trying to carry it all by myself.

But basically, if I get myself well again (and I have no choice but to have faith that I will), once that happens... I'm starting life over. In the next 3-6 months, I'd like to see myself in a little one-bedroom apartment, just me and my cat, living in my hometown and working as an office assistant, maybe for a doctor or something.

Even though I'll be living in Beaufort, I won't be going to my high school reunion this summer, because I've nothing to show for the last 10 years except about an extra 100 pounds or so.

My parents aren't fans of cats, and have two big dogs. But they consented to let me keep my baby boy, Butters. They're going to put a door of some kind at the top of the stairs, so it will be just me and him up there. But two cats would be too much. So I had to give Rosie up. Thankfully, Crystal missed her and was kind enough to drive up on Saturday and take her. So I know she's got a good, loving home with her original mama. But it still hurt me to see her go.

So. That's where things are now. My future is pretty uncertain. But I know this is the right choice, both physically and mentally/emotionally. Living here in Savannah, all alone, no family or friends, the internet my only source of socialization... it's been a suffocating loneliness unlike anything I've ever experienced. I've been more miserable this last year or so than I've allowed most people to see, to the extent that I was beginning to fear that I might be a danger to myself, my Depression had grown so deep. So I know that, difficult as it is to accept, going home again is the best place for me right now.

You know, most people don't realize what a traditional, old-fashioned kind of girl I've become as I've gotten older. All I want in the world is to meet a wonderful man, fall in love, settle down, and just have a nice, simple life together. At the rate I'm going now living the life that I am, I won't live long enough for that to happen. With this new plan, I truly hope that this will put me on right path to making that dream a reality.

A fresh start. Again. Hopefully for the last time.

...because I dream about him almost every night...

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was he really here?
Is he standing in my room?
No he's not, 'cause he's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part.

I've been going through alot lately... life, getting older, work, love -- Gabriel especially (who I probably need to sit down and write the whole story of exactly what transpired between he and I... maybe a massive purge of all the thoughts and feelings over Gabe will let me finally start to heal from all the damage)... Anyhow, everything has just felt like it was crashing down on me and washing me away, I feel like I can't breathe and I cry uncontrollably every day... Ever since the events that transpired around the end of July, I've been feeling worthless, in every way possible. Useless. Discarded. Unloveable. Alone.

And somehow my Mother picked out this card for me, my stepfather just dropped it off to me at work. I just sat here alone in my office and read it, and it just blew me away... So I needed to share.


"How to Make a Beautiful Life"
Reflections for a Daughter on Her Birthday

Love Yourself.
MAKE PEACE with who you are
and where you are
at this moment in time.

Listen to your heart.
If you can't hear what it's saying
in this noisy world,
MAKE TIME for yourself.
Enjoy your own company.
Let your mind wander among the stars.

Try.
Take chances.
MAKE MISTAKES.
Life can be messy
and confusing at times,
but it's also full of surprises.
The next rock in your path
might be a stepping-stone.

Be happy.
When you don't have what you want,
want what you have.
MAKE DO.
That's a well-kept secret of contentment.

There aren't any shortcuts to tomorrow.
You have to MAKE YOUR OWN WAY.
To know where you're going
is only part of it.
You need to know where you've been, too.
And if you ever get lost, don't worry.
The people who love you will find you.
Count on it.

Life isn't days and years.
It's what you do with time
and all the goodness and grace
that's inside you.
MAKE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE...
The kind of life you deserve.

Yes. Yes, it is. :)

Erm. Okay, I don't do random adds on MySpace. I personally know every single one of my friends listed there (except the bands of course) on some level. Some RL, some online. But I "know" them. Except one guy, who's recently left me some nice comments. And as I've kinda ignored MySpace for about a year now, I cannot remember for the life of me who this one person is. LOL And I feel really really bad about it! You all know I'm pretty damn blunt and confrontational usually, but I want to be kinda polite on this one. How do I say "Who the fuck are you, nice guy?" without looking like a retard? :D

Happy birthday, angelfinn. :)

...That this Top 40 radio station is REALLY getting on my nerves. This was the recent line-up that I was subjected to:

"I Will Wait for You" - Elliot Yamin
"You Got it Bad" - Usher
"Lips of an Angel" - Hinder

And while since I didn't do my update this weekend like I had planned, most of you don't know why those three songs in particular could get under my skin right now. Not gonna go into it at the moment, either. Just had to say GRRRR!

The only other radio station I can tune into is a country format. So uh. Yeah. Lesser of two evils?

Dear Santa, I want an iPod for Christmas. Love, Billie.

Busy week, for that matter! Hooray for Friday!

On the agenda this weekend is to pry myself out of SL and WoW and and actually try to write about where I've been in the last year+ since I kind of dropped off the interface of the LJ world.

Also, do things around the house I've been putting off. Clean out the spare bedroom closet so I can advertise the room and hopefully get another roommate. Anybody in the Savannah area need a place? ;) Laundry is piled up, too. And groceries need to be obtained. And stuff.

Anyhow, lunch!

So much has happened.

I've made promises before to start journaling more again, and I always fall through. So I will just say that I will try. I miss this place, and you folks. HUGE changes planned for this journal. Layout, profile, f-list cutting (leave a comment if you want to stay), the works.

And by the way. Two questions. One of them is rhetorical. I'll let you decide which is which.

1. How fuckin' difficult is it to find an Oldies station to listen to at work? I've been screwing with this radio tuner for over an hour!
2. I'm 26 years old, why am I hell-bent on finding an Oldies station anyhow?!

:)

"When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to.

And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return.

We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when actually the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern.

The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now."


-From "Gift From the Sea" by Anne Morrow Lindbergh

What a night.

So yesterday was hell, I cried and cried and was on the verge of a damned breakdown. I made up a flyer last night to try and find the missing Butters, but when Crystal moved out she took her printer. There's a print shop up the road, so I hopped in the car to go see what time she opened up, since this was around midnight.

When I got home... There he was. Butters was curled up in the corner of the front porch, shaking and crying. I dropped my purse and everything, and just sat down on the steps to talk to him... he was terrified, even of me. Slowly, he finally came to me. When I went to go scoop him up... my foot slipped out from under me, I started to fall, he freaked the hell out, leapt out my arms, and took off running. I screamed profanties (my poor roommate, Sumner, thinks she's moved in with a psycho, I'm sure of it), and took off after him with the little bowl of food that Sumner had brought out to help me lure him into my arms.

He ran under a couple of cars, then up onto the back porch, but wouldn't letm e get anywhere near him no matter how much a sweetly tried to coax him. We sat on the back porchfor a long time until he took off again, and ran underneath of a neighbors porch amongst all kinds of stuff they have stored under there.

1:30 am and I laid in on my belly in the dirt under that porch for well over an hour, just 4 feet from him. Talking to him sweetly, making the kissy sounds he usually comes running to, and shaking that bowl of food. Finally he came to check out the bowl. I let him eat for a bit, then very slowly went to pet him, and he started to move away again. At that point, I had him in arms reach and there was no damned way I was letting him out of that.

So I leapt forward and grabbed him up, and he attacked me with killing intent. Claws slashing, teeth gnashing. Keep in mind Butters is a big cat, 15 pounds, and actually not that fat. He's just a big, strong boy. But I'm bigger. LOL He bit down onto my hand at one point and clamped down so hard I'm surprised he didn't break bones, and started thrashing like he had a hold of my jugular or something. I gather him up to my chest, not even worried about the way he was shredding my hands and arms, and ran the 20 yards or so back to my own front door, and jumped in the house with him.

I dropped him inside, he went running off to hide, and I looked at my arms and hands to find them completely covered in dirt and blood. I went to the kitchen and while I was running cold water over them, it occured to me that when Crystal left, she cleared out her bathroom closet, which meant all the First Aid stuff musta went with her. And I'm completely broke until I get paid on Friday. So I spat and swore some more, and broke down and called my Mama to tell her what was going on. She and my stepdad drove down (about 45 minutes) to bring me first aid stuff.

While I was waiting on them, I cleaned up again, took some pictures of the wounds for posterity's sake (lol), and sat here talking to Gabriel on Skype while I calmed down. Butters came out of hiding, and he laid down just outside of my bedroom door, which was open, so he was about 5 feet from where I was sitting. And he stretched out there and slept. Rosie avoided him. lol When my folks showed up, he hid again for a few minutes, then went and hopped in my computer chair (which he ONLY does when he wants my attention) to lay down. So I knew he wanted me and wanted to be near me, he was still just a bit skittish and not wanting to be right on top of me.

So I just gave him his space. Went in and petted him a bit, he was all about it. He was very meek and docile, even let me put his collar back on him (it had come off during the struggle). When I was in the kitchen shutting the lights off later, he came in and loved on my ankles.

Anyhow.. So my folks showed up with peroxide and cotton balls and Neosporin, and Mama insisted on working on the cuts herself. LOL Ahh, Mommy. ^^ Then they left me some money, with which I went to the store today and got bandages and gauze to keep them all wrapped up. Also Epsom salt to soak three times a day.

I woke up this morning feeling like I'd been hit by a train. Sore from head to toe (frantically crawling around under vans and porches I guess will do that to ya), slightly nauseous, and even a bit feverish feeling. Most of the wounds seem okay, just hurt like hell. The only one I'm really rather worried about is the place on my hand where he bit me so hard. About two inches around the punctures it is all red and very swollen and warm to the touch. The puncture wounds themselves keep leaking a small amount of clear fluid. I'm REALLY hoping it's not infected, just experiencing trauma from the force of that bite. My health insurance doesn't kick off for another 60 days, and I've no clue how I'm going to see a doctor if it comes down to that.

As for Butters, he's doing much much better. He's sleeping a whole lot, but he's getting back to his old self. He came and snuggled with me for a little bit as I was falling asleep last night, then when I woke up, he was curled up in the bed with me in his usual spot... which he still hasn't left. He's passed out hard.

I think just 24 hours outside had him completely terrified, and he'd been running on so much instinctual fear that when I found him he'd gone a bit feral.

Now that he's home, he's re-adjusting fairly well it seems. Long as he doesn't bolt again... I REALLY hope he learned his lesson, and won't even try it anymore.


The Killer himself... How could so much cuteness be so deadly?








The Battlescars... Even Mama says these pictures down't do them justice at all. LOL You can't see just how deep the cuts are, or the very thin papercut-like slashes across my right palm. ( Cut for gross-outt factor... )

He's home. I'm mangled. Details tomorrow.

Butters is missing. He's nowhere in this house.

I don't think I'm ever gonna see my baby boy again...

So I got a job.  Back in a craptastic call center, doing card activations for an undisclosed credit card company since it states in their materials that I'm not allowed to identify myself as an employee of theirs in any online blogging or bulletin boards.  But let's see if you can bust on through my UNBREAKABLE code:  It rhymes with "Jamerican Sexpress."

But it pays, or it will once I start getting paychecks.  Fucking paychecks.  God, I hate wish I didn't needs those cocksucking sons of bitches.

Just so you know... I -am- relieved to have a job again, despite my apparently shitty attitude.  But you people love me because I'm so full of snark, of course.

I'm looking to get on with a local travel agency.  ANY travel agency.  I need to go drop of resumes to anybody who will let me in the door.

Oh, and Allah be praised, I found a feathered bird at work... or something.  It's a fellow prisoner of the new hire class, he's my buddy.  We keep each other sane through much sarcasm and muttered nasty comments during the training class.  It's refreshing.  :)

Speaking of the training class... I feel like I'm with remedial kids.  It's pretty sad.

Anyhow... so yesh.  My big news, I'm no longer amongst the unemployed and worthless.  Hurrah!

Oh, and I realized tonight that this LJ layout has to GO.  Made it well over a year ago... I don't even watch anime anymore. Maybe I'll sit and zone out on making new graphics and laying the coding this weekend.

Anyhow, that's my ramblings for the evening.  There's asses to be kicked in Darkshore, and my Night Elf is ready to throw down.  *crawls away to her geek lair*  Later.  :D

I just am. Not being emo. Just looking through some of my recent entries. Well, I shouldn't way "recent" since I haven't posted anything in 3 months. But whatever. There's a reason for that. Seems like anytime I make an update, I regret it a week later. What the fuck ever.

I've been doing this online RPG via Second Life, Midian City. My character is reminiscent of Joe Pesci in "Goodfellas." I enjoy participating in activities like pistol-whipping a bitch in the face until I hear her cheekbones shatter. I'm realizing that I have a -LOT- of pent-up anger and aggression issues to work out.

I'm gaining back the weight I lost last year. I need a fucking job and to get the fuck back out of this house again.

In less dreary news... Wait, there isn't any.

Oh well. Love you all! <3

http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2002/08/19

Okay, so my big plan to start blogging more failed miserably. Sorry about that, ya'll.

News since my last post, and I'll keep this entirely vague and cryptic because I know how much you all love it when I with-hold details:

1.) AirTran fired me on Nov. 13th. Still unemployeed. Kinda freaking out.
2.) My birthday was 2 weeks ago. I'm 26 years old now.
3.) Thanks to the encouragement of one really incredible guy, I've finally gotten the balls to show new and recent pictures of myself, including full-length shots. They've been uploaded at my MySpace if you're curious.
4.) Saving the best part for last, though.... Somebody new loves me. :)

Okay. And there's your monthly dose of Billie Blabber. See ya again in January!

Maybe.


P.S. - I'm WAAAY overdue to for a new theme and layout here. Suggestions?

Billie: Because let's face it. If I drop my weight and get some work done, I'm gonna be hot. Not just a little hot. But like... dirty hot. Plus that supermodel height of mine? I'll be a fucking dirty hot amazon woman.
Kaligne: Fuck yeah!


*********

In other news... It's been a fucking crazy 4 months for me. Sorry for the disappearing act. Explaination? In a nutshell: Ended things with Crystal finally, accidentally went and fell ridiculously & hopelessly in love with a man, he suddenly left me for his ex and completely broke my heart, I'm having an outstandingly difficult time getting over him, and I'm still trying (rather unsuccessfully) to pick up the peices of shattered dreams and just get on with life. The end.

And now I'm going to attempt to slowly reintegrate myself in LJ society. Expect a new layout in the coming weeks. It'll help get me back into using this thing more again.

I missed you guys.